Now, I don't usually smoke, but as the pressures of this year seemed to have a vice grip on me, I thought "Well, if nothing else is helping to ease the stress, maybe a smoke might." Sitting at the bus stop at night with beauty flowing into my ears, I could've slept, I could've gotten stabbed and I don't think I'd have felt a thing. I felt lightheaded, dizzy and a little bit sick to be honest, but the pains were bittersweet...
No, I take that back, there was nothing sweet about what I felt, I threw up once, twice, and countless times after that. And not just polite spills from my body, these episodes were violent, I hadn't vomited like that for a long time, and it wasn't pleasant. However, it did end up helping, I had already had a relatively good day, and I thought a smoke would just make it. It gave me a reason to take "relatively" out of the prior sentence...
There are few things that can help me achieve that tranquil state, sex is one of them, it's a beautiful thing that leads to an ultimate cleansing of the mind. Another is good music, I would put on, Cohen's "Songs of Love and Hate" and I would sigh in absolute composure. Apparently cigarettes are another thing that can give me peace, inhaling an immeasurable amount of smoke and letting it freely roam within me before exhaling it back into the world. Who would've thought, that all three would spark some kind of motivation within me, I'm suddenly confident and content with myself.
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All I need now, is for this stability to hold for the remainder of the year.
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